murmur

I used to remember spring came in style, maybe a little bit shy at first, but then everything warms up, well that's the way we do business back in my hometown, preferring to keep a low profile.

This city is different, spring came all in a rush as well as pretty much everything else. Yesterday it was crisp and wintery, and today, like everybody said, spring has sprung.

I am such a hypocrite. I'm doing this comparison again, it's like a silent complaint. And yet I'm actually enjoying everything around me here for the very first time!

Why am I always in constant inner conflict? Yesterday night was supposed to be another ordinary night, with gossips and lyrics, until my self-loathing destroyed it. W was reading out the horoscope which had some terrible prophecy for Scorpio and I started whining. I know that it was pathetic to base my choices in life on the philosophies of others but horoscope was just another handy excuse I could use for my self-pity. "That VO, she hates me, why haven't she called me yet?" I moaned and proceeded to groan and ramble for five minutes. I used to believe that I was going to be happy once I got confirmed information from that Danish lady with a strange first name I couldn't pronounce and stopped those annoying daydreaming, but now I found myself trapped in the suspicion that I would hate myself even more for literature reviewing, conference participating and all those academic stuff in the next THREE YEARS. And I couldn't bear the thought of being left alone during those long and gloomy winter nights in that Scandinavian peninsula far far away from home. I am miserable.

This is not healthy. I just feel the need to speak out loud. What would I do without W? She, like my other dear friends, tolerates me and I usually took it for granted. My friends are too kind to me and I don't even have words for them. Well, the brilliant Ralph Waldo Emerson speaks for me."It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them."